Meditation was difficult for me this morning.
I handpicked crystals to hold in my left hand and handpicked crystals to hold in my right. I sat down and made myself comfortable and began breathing deeply in through the nose and out through the mouth.
As I sat there breathing…I realized I wasn’t slipping into an alpha state of mind. My connection to my physical body and presence around me was still intact. My mind began twirling with ideas of what needed to be done today. But I knew I needed this time, my meditation routine is important.
So I continued breathing, with the ongoing deep seeded knowledge that nothing was happening. I began to feel as if this was the first time I have ever meditated and I began to think of those who are just starting out their practices and how difficult they must find this.
The crazy thing is, is that meditation is rather simple. Matter of fact, many of the connections we so strive to receive are, it’s the one thing that spirit consistently shows me.
We make this stuff difficult.
So instead of popping my eyes open and saying to HECK WITH IT…I decided that I would try different things. As I sat there staring at the blackness of my eyelids, I decided to drop the crystals (all but one) onto the pillow before me. As I did I began to feel a little tingle in my right palm. So I touched my thumb against my middle finger and held a raw garnet in my left.
I began to notice that my body wasn’t relaxing and I stated in my mind…why don’t you allow your body to relax a bit. The breathing wasn’t working so I decided to try different breathing methods.
Breathing in through my nose and out through my nose.
Breathing in through my mouth and out through my nose.
More rapid shallow breaths.
Deeper Deeper Deeper breaths.
I felt a tug on my ponytail. Odd, I thought but I kept going. My mind was littered with thoughts so I tried my mind silencer I give all my students. I started repeating….
“I am breathing in, I am breathing out”
Wasn’t working. I was still staring at a black abyss behind my eyelids and I was still inherently aware of my physical presence. Just then, Teddy my dog started to lick my left hand – the one with the raw garnet. I pulled my hand in towards my belly and away from his cold wet tongue!!
What is going on I thought to myself…why am I feeling completely unconnected. I need this!
Beta brain waves suck when you are trying to get into a spiritual alpha connection, I thought to myself. Or do they?
I decided since nothing was coming to me on my own, that I would build a bridge. I called it the bridge to my subconscious. I made it in gold and allowed it to sparkle. All around it was this dark black abyss…so I decided to cross it. As I stepped up on it, I noticed it wobbled, was uneven, and it made me a little nervous. I looked down into black crevices and all around me was a seemingly black hole. But I needed to get across, I had to keep going. So I took another step and as I did I said STEP…
And then I started counting… 1, 2 .3 4, 5…STEP…
Suddenly I began to see a bright white light on the other side of the bridge. Mistakenly I told myself…I am going to step into consciousness. So I corrected myself and said – No, you are heading over to your subconscious mind….
And then I started counting again… 1, 2, 3, 4 5 STEP
I felt myself excited that I was moving into CONSCIOUSNESS and I allowed it to be. I stepped into the white light and what I began to see was half painted white/pink/yellow stucco cement like walls. I didn’t immediately realize it in meditation but this is clearly a sign of reconstruction, rebuilding and design. A continuation that I am still designing my life.
The walls began to form into what appeared to be a bathroom. I saw a toilet and a bunch of mirrors. Still the room was in construction mode but as soon I was out of meditation I realized that this was a sign I needed to release my fears related around this reconstruction of my life. I felt an uneasiness and a twinge of fear.
What was I afraid of? I called in my spirit guides and asked the Goddess to be invoked through me as I sat wavering between Beta and Alpha. And then suddenly I was walking along a hall and which I began to see beautiful mirrors. I was walking up beside them…not looking directly in them. I could see them but not see my reflection. I knew I needed to look directly in them..but something was stopping me.
I asked the Goddess to assist me in looking at my reflection to help me walk over and look at the image of myself. She refused and told me that it was up to me to create the reflection I wanted to see staring back at me. She stated:
The reflections you see staring back at you are the perceptions you create. What do you wish to see?
I walked up to the mirror and created an image of the Goddess. I stated I am powerful and strong. Beautiful and Wise. Humble and loving. All that I seek is within me.
Like a flash. I was moving back into beta this time staring at the whiteness behind my eyelids. I reluctantly opened my eyes and looked at the world around me.
ODDLY. I realized I was in meditation the WHOLE TIME. Everything about the way I felt during what seemed to be a hard transition was such a different FEEL than what I was experiencing the moment I opened my eyes.
Trouble making a connection in meditation? It’s true the most important element is to just close your eyes and breathe. And let everything else just follow.
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